Embrace

My Grandpa Bob gave the best hugs. His embrace felt like the physical expression of “I love all that is you”. While my grandfather’s physical form is no longer with me, I now receive this type of embrace from my 7- year- old son. It’s the kind you don’t want to pull away from. The kind that makes you feel safe and loved unconditionally.

Hugs are one of the things I miss most about pre-pandemic days. I was never a fan of greeting with handshakes or high fives. Due to RP, I frequently couldn’t see the other person’s hand, so often left ‘em hanging. Totally awkward. I was recently introduced to the “COVID bow” from Rob Bell’s podcast, and I like this idea of honoring another’s presence in a safe way by bowing. But I still miss a good embrace.

Even if I can’t physically hug everyone around me, I am discovering other ways to “embrace”. I’ve been thinking about what it means to embrace all that has changed since the pandemic began. Perhaps not everything needs to be embraced. Perhaps some things, like the missing hugs, just need to be tolerated for the time being.

Yet it feels limiting to merely “tolerate” all the aspects of my new reality. For example, when quarantining and homeschooling began last spring, this new reality felt strange and so naturally I felt a lot of resistance. But as we began to develop new routines, I found myself embracing my new role as “teacher” and discovered the joy of watching my children learn at home. It was hard. It’s still challenging. But on days that I am able to reframe these challenges, I feel more at peace.

I’m noticing many similarities in the adjustments to pandemic life that I have experienced while losing vision. The more I resist reality, the more I feel limited by it. The steps I’ve taken to embrace my blindness have opened many new doors – from meaningful friendships to self-empowerment. It doesn’t change my reality in a physical sense. But everything feels different when I choose to embrace parts of life that are difficult.

I’m not saying it’s easy. In fact, adjusting to change is rarely painless. It may start out feeling less like an embrace, and more like an awkward side hug. You know, the one you want to instantly pull away from or pretend never happened.

In the therapy world, this idea of shifting perspective is often referred to as “radical acceptance”, which is a distress tolerance skill aimed at keeping pain from turning into suffering. It involves acknowledging pain, and fully accepting reality. It doesn’t mean you don’t make any changes in life, but this practice recognizes that change cannot occur without acceptance. Radical acceptance is a skill I work on in my own life and with my clients in therapy. It’s worth noting that modern psychology did not invent “radical acceptance” – this clinically-coined term is based on Buddhist teachings and is found in many spiritual belief systems.

I hadn’t previously thought of acceptance as an “embrace”. But the definition is very fitting, both as a verb and a noun. Since I am currently the unofficial language arts teacher in my home, please allow me to geek out for a moment. According to Webster’s online dictionary, “embrace” can be used as a noun “They were locked in an embrace”, or as a verb “to hold someone closely in one’s arms as a sign of affection” or “to accept or support (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically.” If you haven’t treated “embrace” as a verb lately, try it out. (And if you need a lesson on conjunctions, prepositions, participles, or split infinitives, please consult a certified ELA teacher such as my twin). This is an example of me “embracing” what is clearly outside of my expertise.

As we say good-bye to 2020, and usher in the new year, we have fresh opportunity to embrace reality. Until we can safely return to giving and receiving a proper Grandpa Bob hug, let’s find other areas of life to willingly and enthusiastically embrace.