A familiar sensation of tightness gripped my throat as my heart pounded in my chest and the knots in my solar-plexus twisted into familiar shapes. I sheepishly gazed downward, tears streaming down my face, mumbling to Paloma, “I should have this figured out by now. Helping people improve their mental health is what I do for a living. Why does this keep coming up for me?” Paloma’s tone was soft with compassion as she gently reminded me that my experiences of living in a body that does not fit society’s standards of “normal” are not just in the past, they continue each day.
I trusted her words, knowing that she is an experienced therapist with a multitude of academic training; possessing a deep understanding of what it means to heal from identity-related grief and trauma. I understood all of this on a cognitive level, but my body felt flooded with shame at having this sudden temporary upsurge of grief (STUG). The term “STUG” was coined by Dr. Therese Rando over 3 decades ago to describe intense, unexpected surges in emotions for those who have experienced past grief or loss. While Dr. Rando used this term in the framework of loss of a loved one, I am taking the liberty of applying it to my grief related to identity/disability. Continue reading “When Will I Get Over This?”
